


Of loving, longing and logic

by Thira



Series: Loving and Caring [1]
Category: Turn (TV 2014)
Genre: Dreaming, Longing, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Self-Hatred, dreading
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-14
Updated: 2018-02-19
Packaged: 2019-03-18 14:20:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13683444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thira/pseuds/Thira
Summary: Love is a wonderful thing, but not all love can be proclaimed, not all is allowed. Sometimes, love is a curse...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> For my best friend. Get well soon!!!!

„Do you need anything else, your Excellency?”

He looked up and regretted it instantly. Washington only hoped he managed a blank expression. It was getting more difficult with every meeting. “That would be all, Major Tallmadge.”

But he didn’t bow his head and leave like normal, he remained there, frozen and his face so concerned it touched him. Why had this concern have to be for the general and not for him as a person? 

“Sir, regarding the letters…”

He tore his eyes away from Tallmadge’s and the movement almost caused physical pain. “I said, that would be all.”

“Yes, sir. Forgive me.”

He could picture the pained expression on his face, the sadness, the crushed hopes. God, he was sorry! But it was for the best. It was always for the best. Not for the cause, not for him, but for Tallmadge. The boy might disagree now, but if he knew the truth? Washington shook his head and pushed the mere idea away. There was no use lingering on that thought. It was never to happen. 

He looked up to see Tallmadge rush out of the tent. The sight did nothing for the calm he was so desperately longing for. 

Longing… He was longing for something differently, but he couldn’t give in. Never. And certainly not with Tallmadge! The boy was a preacher’s son and raised to detest sodomy. He was raised to be the perfect soldier, the perfect loyal right-hand man. Such a boy was not meant to be the bedwarmer of the likes of him and he would be horrified by the idea of sharing his bed. 

But his eyes… From all the things Benjamin Tallmadge was and looked alike, Washington had fallen for his eyes. The blue orbs that held so many emotions, so much ardor, and sometimes looked at him with so much hero worship and trust one could neatly believe it to be love. 

He had tried everything. He had pushed the boy away, been cold, hard and refused to see him while he longed for nothing more, but like the sun he came, every day- in his tent, in his councils, in his dreams. 

It was hopeless. 

He walked over to the picture of Martha that stood beside his bed and let his fingers ghost over the glass. She had laughed at him, her voice still so fresh in his head: Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness… He had signed these demands, he fought for these demands, might very likely die for them, but would never be able wo get them. 

Happiness… He was happy with Martha at his side and the laughter of her children in the garden. He was happy with the victories, his friends and the idea of a new nation, there nation. But happiness? That was not for him, not even in the nation he would create. Happiness would mean to give into the sickness that had its claws in his heart. He couldn’t. And certainly not with Benjamin. 

Sometimes he wondered if it would be so bad if one of the assassins would succeed. There would be another Commander in Chief, maybe one with more victories, certainly one with a child and without this malady. One that wouldn’t need to make sure his eyes wouldn’t wander, wouldn’t linger. 

Martha was the only one that knew and he was lucky enough to have a wife who understood, who didn’t push and demanded children, intimacy. She had laughed and given him a kiss on the cheek. If that’s all… I have two wonderful children, George, I can live with that. 

A horse galloped past his tent. Lieutenant Brewster? He was bound to return tonight, wasn’t he?

Washington rubbed his eyes and fought against the jealousy in his heart. It wasn’t easy, not with Brewster always being around Tallmadge, seeing him smile, seeing him at ease… If only he just desired him, a sick form of longing, but he was past the point of telling himself it was a fleeing attraction to a beautiful face. He loved Benjamin Tallmadge. The way he laughed, the passion in his actions, the will to fight for his believes, for his friends. He wasn’t one of them and maybe that was the biggest reason of jealousy. Caleb Brewster with his drinking and brothels was closer to Benjamin than he could ever be. 

A father, a mentor, a general. Even a friend would be enough for him, something that wasn't aloof and . Washington sighted and looked down at the letters of Congress. Work… it had always helped him. 

*****

Washington’s head was hurting like the whole army rode over it and the pain was increasing whenever he looked down at his half-written answer to Congress. He needed air. He needed a break, just a break. 

As soon as he stepped out of the tent, the life guards came to him, but he waived them of. Since Benjamin had saved him from a complot in which one of his own guards wanted to assassin him, he tried to keep them on distance. And he could do distance. Only now, under the night sky with the laughter of men only meters away did he really understand how lonely he was. 

Sure, he could walk up to them, talk to them and sit with them- and ruin the laughter. The only people that were used to his company now were his officers and aide-de-camps. And Benjamin. He groaned. Benjamin…

He circled around the fire and tried to think about what to do now, how to act, how to solve this. His headaches didn’t subside with that line of thinking but came back a tenfold more intense than before. Relaxing was something else. 

Looking up into the sky, he wondered if there might ever be a cure to this. He had tried everything, even praying- it didn’t help and what had for long just been a little spark of hellfire became the whole damn thing with Benjamin’s presence. 

He walked on, past tents and stables and either do to masochism or simple attraction to the tent the boy was sleeping in. It wasn’t a conscious decision and still said everything about his state. Drawn to him like a moth to the light. He still saw a candle in there, the light he was drawn to. It was long past midnight. Why wasn’t Benjamin sleeping? 

A heartbeat long he allowed himself to dream. To dream about the boy thinking about him, wishing for his company, just as he wished for his. They could talk, not like the general and major, but like friends. This was more than he would ever get, even though it was absolutly harmless. Just talk with him, as a friend. 

He didn’t even know one thing about Benjamin’s private life, nothing that hadn’t been in the folder he received from Sacket. He knew of his brother and of Nathan Hale, the best friend he had sent of to die. But Benjamin as a person? He only shared these things with Brewster, maybe Hamilton, but certainly not with him.

“He’s still in there?”

Washington was quick to hide behind the tent. 

“Aye, working his ass off for our general.”

That was Brewster. And there was no question about whom they were talking. Was it always like this? Him, keeping Ben from his friends? The idea of exclusiveness and possession didn’t thrill him, it made him sad. Even in college, between rich and educated fellow students, he still held onto his friendship with farmers and whalers, his friends. Now he was keeping him from them and not even showing Ben his gratitude. 

“Yeah, and his ass is exactly what the man is interested in. You heard Bradford.”

Caleb threw his bottle of madeira away and nearly jumped at the other man’s throat. “Shut it! Bradford is an arse.”

“But he is right. You just hit him because our Major needed the help.”

Brewster remained silent. No defense? Oh god, was it that obvious? 

“You think they have something? He is often alone with the general.”

End this. Now! Could he promote Benjamin away from him? He owed the boy his reputation after all the things he did for him. He owed him the possibility of a happy life and marriage. This talk might bring him to the gallows and he swore himself not to see the proud neck of Benjamin Tallmadge in a noose. Never! His dreams were enough. 

Caleb took a long sip of madeira. “You know Bennyboy. He would not even know how to do it. If that talk would be true, they would already have told Congress- or the red coats. The war would already be over, if this would be true.”

“Isn’t an answer. Think he is bending him over his desk when they say they are discussing whatever a major and his Excellency need to talk about and…” He made a rather clear movement with his hands- and mouth.

“Let it go, buddy!”

“What Brewster, never thought about it? Pretty little major like Tallmadge? He was promoted on first sight. Never asked why?”

Brewster didn’t aswer, because suddenly the entrance of the tent was pushed away and Benjamin Tallmadge stormed out into the cold night, his head as red as the British coats. “How dare you!”

Caleb Brewster rushed towards his friend, blocking his way to the other drunkard, who was still making obscene movements with his hands. Movements, Washington forced himself to ignore and yet couldn’t. “Relax, Benny, no one is talking about you…”

“Me?” The major now grabbed his friend and shook him in his fury. “You are talking about our Commander in Chief! Do realize of what you are accusing him of?” 

The truth. God, what would he say, if he knew the truth?

“No one…”

“You are playing with his life! And that is something I will not tolerate.”

Brewster pushed him away and suddenly all the friendliness in his face was gone- and the fun. “You’re a major, Tallboy, I know. What you gonna do? Arrest me? Hang me?”

“Caleb…”

“What?” The word was deadly than a saber slash.

“You know what I mean… You know him. I cannot allow…”

“Allow what you want, I don’t care. See how you get Abe’s answers without that lowly childfriend of yours. Bet he won’t be interested in you without me and the ring.”

“Caleb!”

“What? You…”

Ben dragged him inside the tent, but the cat was out of the bag. Would it never end? He could only hope that the other man was too drunk to grasp what he just overheard. 

Only minutes later did Brewster storm out of the tent and Benjamin came after him, shoulders hunched and head low. He looked lost, hopeless. It broke Washington’s heart. And he was the cause of it. 

Suddenly, Ben looked up and looked right into his eyes. Surprise, shame, fear. All evident in his eyes. The fear let his heart fracture even more. And he had hoped for a friendship.  
“Sir.” It sounded like the last word of a dying man. 

“Major.” He inclined his head. Go! 

“Sir, there is something I need to tell you.” He creased his hands, unable to look Washington in the eye. “I… Could I be so bold as to request an audience? Now?”

He forced a neutral tone into his voice. “If it is of such importance.”

His shoulders hunched even more. “I am afraid it is, sir.”


	2. Chapter 2

Washington followed Benjamin into the cramped tent. The boy looked tense, uncomfortable, like he was expecting a reprimand. He had gotten one quite often after all, so why not this time? Washington could only wonder what the boy would want to discuss with him. 

The tent was small and flimsy, the wind blowing throw the thin walls and nearly blowing out the candles. Washington huddled into the cloak, seeking the warmth- only to realize that Benjamin had no such thing. He looked at the small figure and realized that the Major didn’t clasp his hand together because he was on protocol but because they would shake otherwise. 

Didn’t they get a couple of cloaks, enough for all the officers? Why did Benjamin Tallmadge not receive one? Or did his generous nature kick in again and he gave it away to someone even more freezing? 

Ben stifled a sneeze that had Washington look at him with concern. He knew the stories after all. Halfdead and delirious with fever for three days. It was a wonder he had survived. “Should we go into the mansion, Major? It is rather chilly here.”

Tallmadge bowed his head. “I apologize for that, your Excellency.”

That wasn’t what he… Wahington forced himself to remain calm but one thing was absolutely obvious in this small gesture: They could never be friends. He knew of no two people farther away from friendship than them. Even a red coat would be a more possible friend- there at least would never that border of respect and rank. He was the general Ben both adored and feared. He would never be George to him. He would never see him behind all that masks. Only Martha did and could stand it. 

Still, he at least could do something friendly, even if it would mean his personal sweet torture. “I assume you wouldn’t have anything against taking up residence at the mansion with the other staff members.”

Did Benjamin… Dear god! The boy blushed like an innocent little child and maybe he was exactly that, if the talk was… He forced his mind away from these thoughts. Dangerous, they were dangerous and sick. The boy was right there and he was… it made him taste bile and helped to quickly drive these thoughts away. But unfortunately, he couldn’t do the same with his eyes and that blush really suited Benjamin. If he touched his cheek, would it be warm right now? He longed to try but he knew he couldn’t, never. Why couldn’t he just be happy with a woman like Martha? Why couldn’t he have a normal heart, a healthy mind? God, please! Washington curled his hands into fists, nails digging into the soft palms. 

Ben couldn’t look him in the eye but stared at his feet as if they were the most fascinating thing in the world, his cheeks heating up even more, despite the cold air. ”I think it would be unbecoming, Sir.”

“Unbecoming?” It sounded scandalous, downright scandalous in his ears and he couldn’t fight the idea that Ben’s thoughts might have gone in another direction than the talk and gossip, one that Washington was far too familiar with. Every night in his dreams. But he knew Benjamin Tallmadge and the boy wasn’t like this. He was better.

Ben’s face heated up even more. “Sir, there… I see it as my… You see…”

“Major?”

His head shoot up, protocol and discipline kicking in. “Yes, sir?”

He sighed and tiredness suddenly crushed him down. It was of no use. Better put it behind him and get back to work. “Stop the stammering and spit it out. Why did you want to talk to me at this hour?”

Ben bowed his head even lower. “I wish to resign my post as Head of Intelligence.”

What? No! That couldn’t… Not him! Benjamin was the only one… The only one he trusted… 

It hit him like a fist to the stomach. The talk! He had overheard it and he believed it and why not? Brewster thought his friend, this man, that was nothing if not a saint in the most biblical way possible, would indulge in sodomy with him, why then could not Benjamin believe him to actually want this? There might have been enough loyalty left to defend him in public but in private? Who would want to work close to a man who would ruin one’s name by the mere presence? His name, his honor, his future. 

A thought suddenly struck him: Was Benjamin afraid of him? Of him forcing that matter? He studied the Major and tentatively took a step back. Did he relax with more space between them? Washington just wanted to leave. Better not seeing him than to bring fear. 

The answer to Ben’s stammering resign was, when he finally got it out, strangely calm, like said by another person, one that didn’t feel like the emotion would burst his heart. “Why?”

The boy raised his eyes and oh that look through soft lashes… It held so much innocence that he wanted nothing more than to hug him and hold him close. There was no lust in his wish, not even a trace of it. Benjamin Tallmadge did this to him, made him a loving fool by his nearly shy behavior. God, he wished he could just hug him. Just talk to him, not as a general, just… 

Washington turned around and walked to the table that stood in the middle of the room, covered in letters. He was the general! “If you are abandoning me at this critical point in the war, I at least deserve an explanation, don’t I, Major?”

“Yes, sir, but I would not call it abandoning. I merely spare you of my own incompetence.”

Washington raised an eyebrow. “Incompetence?”

If it would be Hamilton, he would ask himself if the boy was merely fishing for compliments but it wasn’t Hamilton, it was Ben they were talking about and that was something different. Entirely different. He wasn’t the type to work like this. This was just his character. Humble. Honest. Loyal. How he adored this qualities in him.

“You…” Benjamin licked his lips and looked like he was already sentenced for execution. 

“Yes?” He intended for it to be soft, but one look at Benjamin showed him that his trying fell on death ears. 

“Lieutenant Brewster just informed me that he would no longer courier for me.” At was only a whisper. 

That he didn’t expected and the words hit him like a punch to the stomach. “Is there a special reason for this decision?” 

Thinking of it… Of course, there was- a rather obvious one. He heard Brewster and he heard the accusations. Sodomy… And Benjamin had defended him at the cost of his best friend. He suddenly felt old and dirty. Friendship was everything to Benjamin, he had seen it before, heard it before. Only such a man could think of a spy ring built on childhood friends. 

“I…” Ben’s face lit up again. “I’m afraid there is, sir and I do apologize for my incompetence to lead. I fully understand that you want another head of intelligence, one that is more capable in keeping his…”

He moved his head, just barely, but it was enough to make Tallmadge stop. 

He shrunk under Washington’s gaze. “I’m sorry.”

“Major.”

The title had the boy turning red again. “You gave that title to me in hopes of a Head of intelligence that might make you proud- I didn’t. I let the ring down. I let you down. I don’t deserve that title. If you allow, I will return to the front as a captain.”

“No!” The harshness in his voice did startle even him- Benjamin looked terrified. Well done, George! “No.” This time softer. “It might be your courier that let you down, but you didn’t let me down. A Major isn’t responsible for deserting troops.”

Ben paled in an instant. „He didn’t desert. Sir, I beg of you… Do not court martial him for my mistakes. He merely couldn’t work under me as a leader anymore.”  
He looked so fierce, fierce and terrified, defending his friends, just like he had defended him only minutes ago. Like he would be one of Benjamin Tallmadge’s friends! Still, the idea was a comfort as long as he could fight of the logic. “Your mistakes? It was him storming out of this tent.”

Surprise shone in the blue eyes. “You saw…”

“I did.”

“He was… concerned and didn’t take some rumors lightly on the account of my... It was a misunderstanding.”

“Rumors”, Washington whispered tonelessly. 

Ben went crimson and nodded. “There has been some talk… Rumors, nothing, but…”

The rumors! Now they were entering dangerous ground. Very dangerous ground. He should back off! But he couldn’t. He needed to talk to the boy, if only to give him a fair chance to choose his loyalties again and go back to his friend to make peace. He owed him that. Or was it more? “If with rumors you mean the talk about a relationship between…”  
The boy looked so uncomfortable that Washington stopped himself. Of course, he was uncomfortable! He should have known better. Why couldn’t the world think like Martha? At least he had one kind soul that didn’t push him away after knowing the truth. 

No, that was not right! Benjamin was a kind soul, he just was better than him and he was the pervert. The uncomfortable trembling of Ben’s hands made him wish he had never said a word. 

“Yes, your Excellency. I apologize…”

“Apologize?” 

Ben nodded, only to stop under Washington’s gaze. 

“You didn’t start that rumor, so you have nothing to apologize for, Major. And I stand by that title. No Captain can run the Intelligence service and on the front a Head of Intelligence is of little use.”

“Thank you, sir. Still, I want you to know…”

“You never encouraged this talk? I know. Why does Brewster believe it?”

“He… Your Excellency, you…”

“Why? And do give me his exact words.”

Benjamin closed his eyes in defeat, before he slowly began. “He says you lust after me with every look and that I drool in your presence like…”

He got the picture. Was it that obvious? Was he loosing his grip? When even a drunk like Brewster could see through his so hard work on mask, what would Congress see? The Brits? His other men? 

“I see.” It was all he could manage. 

“I… of course I couldn’t let that be said and we… we fought. He took it personal that I sided with you- against him.”

“He believed the accusations to be true given your actions.”

Benjamin nodded and he looked so miserable. Sad. Lost. He had just lost his best friend because he couldn’t see the truth. “I appreciate the action but you must not fight with other soldiers over a thing as trivial as personal honor. Not if it might effect the war.”

Benjamin bit his lip. “I know. You told me before and that is why I…”

“You will remain in your post if you wish to keep it. But do promise not to defend my honor again when the price doesn’t fit the worth of it- or the existence of the reason at all.”  
“But sir, your…”  
Washington smiled sadly. It was for the better. “You are young and full of ideals. Keep that but do see the reality, Major. Now, go find your friend and make peace with him. He deserves your loyalties more than my honor does.”

The boy stood there, stunned. Eyes wide and silent. Shocked. Disgusted? 

“I will give you till noon tomorrow to rethink your wish to remain as my Head of Intelligence. If you want to resign, I am sure there will be a place suited for a man of your knowledge and spirit- and it won’t be on the front where an immediate danger might have you convinced to a decision you do not make with all your heart.” And with that he turned and made his way to the entrance. No need to put more pressure on the boy- or fractures in his heart. 

“I don’t need till noon.”

He stopped dead. Here it comes! “I see. I hear that Philadelphia might need another governor. Your expertise will have the city blossom.”

“Sir?”

That small word had him turn around. It was stupid, but there was still hope in him. “Yes?”

“Do I have to go to Philadelphia?”

“No. You can choose a position…”

“I chose the one you gave me back then. I want this post- at your side.”

The words were everything, more than he had ever hoped for, dreamed for. “Benjamin…”

“I… I swore an oath, an oath of loyalty.”

The oath… “You swore it to the flag, to Congress, not to me.”

“It is yours, no matter the… the talk of some or the…”

The corner of Washington’s mouth twitched, but the gesture held no laughter. “The truth behind it?”

Ben gulped and there was a moment in which Washington wasn’t sure what he saw in these blue eyes, but the boy didn’t look away, not for one second. “The truth is, that you are the Commander in Chief or the Continental army and that you will lead us to freedom.”

“Your loyalty to the cause and a person’s rank is admirably.”

“My loyalty may lay with the cause but not with some rank but the person that holds it. I might be a lowly major and my opinion is unimportant, but I have one- and I will act by it.”  
“You are more than a lowly Major and your opinion matters, Benjamin.” He saw the uncomfortable look on the boy’s face and made another step back. “Forgive me, Major. I will not assume or force you to a level of friendliness that you are not comfortable with.”

To his surprise, Benjamin took a step towards him. “You misread my actions. I am merely surprised by the level of comradery that you are proposing.”

Comradery… It nearly sounded like friendship. He took a deep breath. “Can I be frank with you?”

Ben nodded and the look he sent him had Washington longing again. Why was life so difficult? Why was there no chance for him? He just wanted to be liked. 

“I must admit, I do dream of things you neither will give me nor are comfortable to talk about. They aren’t even legalized by the very declaration and nation I am fighting for. I will never address them or act on them but do you think you could give me your friendship without disgust or fear?”

Ben stepped forwards and… Washington froze in shock, surprise. He was dreaming. This had to be a dream. The reality wasn’t that happy. “Ben?” He whispered. 

The young Major jumped back, crimson faced and eyes cast downwards. “I just… You looked like you really needed a hug and Caleb and I, we… I’m sorry if I…”

For the first time he felt light, happy, satisfied. Ben might never love him and he might never be able to act upon the longing, but he would be able to hold him, to talk to him- and Ben knew the truth. He knew it and still stood by him. “You are right, I really needed it. Thank you.”

He had Ben’s friendship and tolerance, that was more than he ever hoped to gain. And for the first time in what felt like ages he smiled- and it reached his very heart.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it. This one will (hopefully) be a short one. Maybe one or two other chapters. Have fun and please leave kudos and reviews. They just make my day. :)


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